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Back to Basics

Back to Basics

It has been a long long long time since I really have been able to update this blog. I just turn 30 and like many 30-year olds you begin to assess your life. I am not a New Year’s resolution person. I believe resolution eventually get broken but I have goals and need to change/obtain them this year!

Goal 1: Must complete my thesis and Graduate (on time)

  • This graduate journey has been incredible hard. I have had career setbacks (which prevented me from starting the program in 2010). Then I had financial issues that prevented me from getting funding. This took two years of cleaning up and one consolidation loan. Finally I began the program in 2013 and then I got really sick and had to take another year off. Changed Careers and restarted the program….I am in that the restart phase. I have one more required course and one more elective to take; this will complete my course work…then its the thesis. As I have been working on my thesis, I am just feeling incompetent. I constantly have feelings of do I belong here, I am really an academic, can I really have a great life, etc. These are the things that I am constantly battling and trying to push above. As this blog was created out of the lack of positive or supportive information for Black Women who wants to get into the arts, I find myself really struggling with maintaining that concept and really with life… but that is okay because this blog is about that struggle. Now as I near the finish line of my graduate experience, my life seems to constantly be in turmoil. My mother is super sick (she had a stroke that his left her entire left side paralyzed), I have a poor relationship with my family (work in progress…but still poor), and I am the “working poor.” I am pushing through, even though every day I want to stop this grad school journey (stop my life really) and really focus on my mom… but I need to finish this program. It needs to happen!! and I really need this win! So far, I have been managing the situation and maintaining the little sanity I have. I have completed two interviews and an online survey for the thesis. Recently, I secured the third and final interview. The last research I need to complete the focus group, which need to be done before the end of February. I will write another post about my thesis journey and concerns… because this has gotten very lengthy.

Goal 2: Lose Weight

  • When I start this blog, I was very thin. I have always been thin and was one of those people who could never gain weight. As I began to gain weight, I embrace this change as I have never been able to before; however, now I have just stop being healthy. I don’t mind my weight gain, I am just not healthy and I am starting to feel the effects of my age and the weight. So I need to get tone and lose some weight.

Goal 3: Get Organized

  • I feel like I am constantly living in a state of chaos. I need to re-gain control over my life. This starts with getting back to routine activities, using my planner (and other electronic tools), and organizing my life around me. Over the next couple of weeks, I am going to go through a serious purge and reorganization.

Goal 4: Write More

  • I need to write more! This blog was a way to express my professional/personal feelings and really work on my writing skills. The closer I get to finishing this program, I am starting to think about my career and where that may lie. I want to start writing articles, journals, and books. So I need to practice and write. Beside, I am about to gear up to write the biggest paper I have ever written and I just need to constantly be writing. This is the plan, I will write on this blog twice a week (Sundays and Wednesdays), I am going to develop a writing schedule for my thesis, in which I will be writing (or researching) consistently everyday. Time to step this game up and embrace my academic life.

Goal 5: Get In Tune with Self

  • Everyone has this goal of enlightenment. I am just trying to get back to being centered. I am not sure where I am spiritually. I believe in a higher power and I do pray, but I am not religious. I have never been religious, just can’t do it. However, I have always manage to stay centered. Right now, everything seems to be off balance. Thus the need for organization, loosing of the weight, and the many other goals set forth; I need to get back to being comfortable in my skin and (for lack of a better term) centered.

So here are my life goals (for this year). I am going to really set up to the plate. I have been running scared and fighting my life. I have become my worst enemy and need to really get back to work. I think I am also going to try to theme it up a bit on this blog. It is time to really start taking this serious. I hope everyone had a great New Year! And have been keeping your resolutions or goals set forth for the year! Good Luck everyone and see you on Wednesday!

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Seeking Passion

This semester has been a real mess. I have been sick, stressed with work, and moving into a new place. I can’t seemed to shake the stress and the associated depression. But I am still fighting!

So this post is about finding passion. I have somehow, on my journey through life, loss my passion. I realized this sombering fact after interviewing a former classmates who is a very prominent contemporary artist, for a class assignment. Of the many awesome things we discuss, the one thing that hit my core was the sense of “freedom” he got from making art. I completely understood what he meant by that feeling. It is a feeling I have been searching for years to get back.

There was a time where I ate, slept, and breathe music; I loved music so so much. It filled me when I felt empty, alone, and unloved. It still has an effect on me  but not like before. It different… Distant.  After a series of struggles and life setbacks, I stop creating music, I stop being myself and started to become something else. Fuled by fear and unhappiness, I started to search for safety and security. Thus my ambitions to be a lawyer. The artist in me dimmed a bit and I was empty.

I tired to find anything to fill this void… But I was still empty. Until one day, one sad and awful day, I felt creative. I need to create. It was the day the verdict for Trayvon Martin tragedy. I was so upset, I was so angry, and in so much pain. I took out my guitar and for the first time in years poor out that emotion into a song… After it was complete I was whole; I was free. I felt better, I felt like I could breathe…. Then I was terrified.

I remember thinking why I am I afraid? Why can’t I just be in the moment? I realized that I have grown comfortable with my discontent. It is still a struggle, thus this post. I love art and music. I love to create and learn.

These past two months have been rough; however, I learned a lot. I need to take control of my life and follow my passion. I need to become fearless again and stop worrying about falling and just do it. Like the Nike commercial just do it. So I will finish out my 20s with some passion, growth, and strength!

This is just the beginning…. Seek your passion!

 
 

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