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Category Archives: Grad School

Fighting Procrastinations and Setbacks

As the title suggest, I am fighting… fighting hard. However, failing miserably. This goes back to my self defeating attitude and feelings of inadequacies. I am just not motivated. I am so bogged down from everything this quarter that I am losing motivation. Fighting…Fighting hard to finish school.

What I am really saying is that I am scared… scared to succeed. This happens every time I am close to achieving my goals… I get so scared that I self-sabotage. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I afraid of success? How can I change this behavior?

This behavior has prevented me from truly reaching my potential, from committing to meaningful projects, and from my goals. I say NO MORE!! I am fighting to keep it together and to fight pass this lack of “motivation.” Really look my fear in the face and say, you don’t win, I do.

I missed my Wednesday deadline of constantly writing… but I still manage to write before the end of the week…. baby steps. I need to continue to write something, anything, to stay writing and motivated. The thesis writing is not coming along and I am getting frustrated with myself about it. I need to stop thinking about it and just write. I need to organized this focus group and just write. I can do this. I just need to stay focus and strong. And completely kick fear’s ass!  Next week, final interview. Goals for this weekend: 1) review interview questions 2) review thesis statement 3) complete a writing schedule for thesis

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Posted by on February 5, 2016 in Grad School, Thesis Building, Writing

 

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Back to Basics

Back to Basics

It has been a long long long time since I really have been able to update this blog. I just turn 30 and like many 30-year olds you begin to assess your life. I am not a New Year’s resolution person. I believe resolution eventually get broken but I have goals and need to change/obtain them this year!

Goal 1: Must complete my thesis and Graduate (on time)

  • This graduate journey has been incredible hard. I have had career setbacks (which prevented me from starting the program in 2010). Then I had financial issues that prevented me from getting funding. This took two years of cleaning up and one consolidation loan. Finally I began the program in 2013 and then I got really sick and had to take another year off. Changed Careers and restarted the program….I am in that the restart phase. I have one more required course and one more elective to take; this will complete my course work…then its the thesis. As I have been working on my thesis, I am just feeling incompetent. I constantly have feelings of do I belong here, I am really an academic, can I really have a great life, etc. These are the things that I am constantly battling and trying to push above. As this blog was created out of the lack of positive or supportive information for Black Women who wants to get into the arts, I find myself really struggling with maintaining that concept and really with life… but that is okay because this blog is about that struggle. Now as I near the finish line of my graduate experience, my life seems to constantly be in turmoil. My mother is super sick (she had a stroke that his left her entire left side paralyzed), I have a poor relationship with my family (work in progress…but still poor), and I am the “working poor.” I am pushing through, even though every day I want to stop this grad school journey (stop my life really) and really focus on my mom… but I need to finish this program. It needs to happen!! and I really need this win! So far, I have been managing the situation and maintaining the little sanity I have. I have completed two interviews and an online survey for the thesis. Recently, I secured the third and final interview. The last research I need to complete the focus group, which need to be done before the end of February. I will write another post about my thesis journey and concerns… because this has gotten very lengthy.

Goal 2: Lose Weight

  • When I start this blog, I was very thin. I have always been thin and was one of those people who could never gain weight. As I began to gain weight, I embrace this change as I have never been able to before; however, now I have just stop being healthy. I don’t mind my weight gain, I am just not healthy and I am starting to feel the effects of my age and the weight. So I need to get tone and lose some weight.

Goal 3: Get Organized

  • I feel like I am constantly living in a state of chaos. I need to re-gain control over my life. This starts with getting back to routine activities, using my planner (and other electronic tools), and organizing my life around me. Over the next couple of weeks, I am going to go through a serious purge and reorganization.

Goal 4: Write More

  • I need to write more! This blog was a way to express my professional/personal feelings and really work on my writing skills. The closer I get to finishing this program, I am starting to think about my career and where that may lie. I want to start writing articles, journals, and books. So I need to practice and write. Beside, I am about to gear up to write the biggest paper I have ever written and I just need to constantly be writing. This is the plan, I will write on this blog twice a week (Sundays and Wednesdays), I am going to develop a writing schedule for my thesis, in which I will be writing (or researching) consistently everyday. Time to step this game up and embrace my academic life.

Goal 5: Get In Tune with Self

  • Everyone has this goal of enlightenment. I am just trying to get back to being centered. I am not sure where I am spiritually. I believe in a higher power and I do pray, but I am not religious. I have never been religious, just can’t do it. However, I have always manage to stay centered. Right now, everything seems to be off balance. Thus the need for organization, loosing of the weight, and the many other goals set forth; I need to get back to being comfortable in my skin and (for lack of a better term) centered.

So here are my life goals (for this year). I am going to really set up to the plate. I have been running scared and fighting my life. I have become my worst enemy and need to really get back to work. I think I am also going to try to theme it up a bit on this blog. It is time to really start taking this serious. I hope everyone had a great New Year! And have been keeping your resolutions or goals set forth for the year! Good Luck everyone and see you on Wednesday!

 

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Performing Arts vs. Museums

I feel like there has been a constant battle between performing arts and museums. Although we fight the same battles and respect each others sectors, there is still a divide.

Since starting my new position, I have found great joy working in the performing arts field. I found that I have a renewed passion for the arts and life. However, this poses a slight conflict because I am still fond of museums. My thesis is on museums, specifically culture-based museums. With this feeling of confliction, I am struggling with writing and researching. I am still working at the American Swedish Historical Museum with cut back hours. I really love this place; however, since starting my new position and the cut of hours, I feel that I am not growing in the position. But I don’t want to quit… It’s a conflict.

As I near the completion of making up my assignments from my horrendous semester, I am still interested in my thesis; however, I can’t help but wonder about a different topic. Upon my readings and direct personal experience, I started thinking about art education. Originally, I did want to focus on art education and diversity as a potential thesis topic, but I felt I couldn’t develop this thesis beyond this phase.

Even now, I am still struggling with how to make the topic of art education relevant to administrators and interesting. Although it is not too late to change, I am still very interested in my topic of culture-based museums. I guess my real struggle is whether I want to continue a career in museums.

Since junior year of college, I have wanted to work in museums. It took me a long time to find something that I enjoyed and could have a rewarding career. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my major and still wanted to attend law school after college. However, I just knew that wouldn’t have made be happy. Museums made me happy. Understanding the ins and outs of an institution that are both visually and sensory hubs of nontraditional concepts of education was what I wanted as a career. Even as I write this I am still battling. I love museums; but at this time I just can’t see myself working in one. For now, maybe I am meant to work in the performing arts and I should stop being dramatic… I love change. It helps me feel like I am growing and I love that this is not the end of my growth. Who knows I might end up going to law school after all.

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts as I continue to work through school and life. But I am excited to be back on track!!! Until next time.

 
 

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The Time has Come… Finally

It finally happened! I got a full-time position in the arts. I am super happy, blessed, and excited. In my last post, I talked about finding passion and pushing forward, well this has paid off. I will be starting my new position on 1/12/15. I am the new Branch Coordinator for Settlement Music School in Philadelphia. I grew up with Settlement being a household name due to being a musician and a huge music geek. Now, I have the ability to create more musicians and artists for the world. I am super happy and excited! This year I will be turning 29, which is look very good. I started this blog at 25 when I was at a crossroads in life and really wanted to get back to what made me feel whole… the arts. After four years, my journey continues in an upward position.

As far as school, I am even more motivated to finish and continue my professional development. This winter quarter, I decided to take a break and re-group as well as really focus on my thesis goal/purpose. Drexel has a wonderful art administration program online and campus. Their staff is amazing and they continue to improve. Although, I have had two classes that were not as helpful; however, these class were educational and provided real life learning experience to provide a balance view of the arts. I have grown as a student, researcher, and person in this program. I definitely recommended this program if you are considering a masters/career in the arts. I am super ecstatic for the spring semester and the completion of the program.

So happy NEW YEAR!!! I hope this year, you find peace, happiness, and your passion! I will keep you posted on updates and well as the restructuring of this blog, which will focus on creativity, goals, and professional development.

 

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Seeking Passion

This semester has been a real mess. I have been sick, stressed with work, and moving into a new place. I can’t seemed to shake the stress and the associated depression. But I am still fighting!

So this post is about finding passion. I have somehow, on my journey through life, loss my passion. I realized this sombering fact after interviewing a former classmates who is a very prominent contemporary artist, for a class assignment. Of the many awesome things we discuss, the one thing that hit my core was the sense of “freedom” he got from making art. I completely understood what he meant by that feeling. It is a feeling I have been searching for years to get back.

There was a time where I ate, slept, and breathe music; I loved music so so much. It filled me when I felt empty, alone, and unloved. It still has an effect on me  but not like before. It different… Distant.  After a series of struggles and life setbacks, I stop creating music, I stop being myself and started to become something else. Fuled by fear and unhappiness, I started to search for safety and security. Thus my ambitions to be a lawyer. The artist in me dimmed a bit and I was empty.

I tired to find anything to fill this void… But I was still empty. Until one day, one sad and awful day, I felt creative. I need to create. It was the day the verdict for Trayvon Martin tragedy. I was so upset, I was so angry, and in so much pain. I took out my guitar and for the first time in years poor out that emotion into a song… After it was complete I was whole; I was free. I felt better, I felt like I could breathe…. Then I was terrified.

I remember thinking why I am I afraid? Why can’t I just be in the moment? I realized that I have grown comfortable with my discontent. It is still a struggle, thus this post. I love art and music. I love to create and learn.

These past two months have been rough; however, I learned a lot. I need to take control of my life and follow my passion. I need to become fearless again and stop worrying about falling and just do it. Like the Nike commercial just do it. So I will finish out my 20s with some passion, growth, and strength!

This is just the beginning…. Seek your passion!

 
 

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It has been a long time…

Hey everybody! Sorry that it has been a long time! I was super busy with school, work, and my personal life. I just wrapped up the summer session on 9/2/14 (precisely this morning a 2:30 am). The fall quarter starts on 9/22/14, so I have a little break… Sorta. Remember that annoying perquisites I needed to take before the financial art accounting course, well I just started that today(9/3/14). I just hope I can get through this class, I am not great at math, but we’ll see.

Anyhoo, I have officially completed one year of grad school!!! Omg!! Yay me!! Now on to the hard parts, thesis. About two weeks ago I had a “pre-advising” session with one of the advisors and the professor for my seminar class this fall. I informed him of my topic and he was delighted and encourage me to pre-research prior to class. This was a huge ego boost and I definitely feel that I have grown since starting this program. I will do a separate post on my thesis process and topic later. Trying to focus on starting this class, accounting. I am going to try to do better with updates and topics for this blog. I just want to Thank you guys for your continued support!!! Good luck!

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2014 in Grad School, Thesis Building, Writing

 

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And the struggle still continues…

This has been a very difficult semester. It has been a combination of a lot of things… Some procrastination and excuses included. I am just struggling to stay focused and energized. Hopefully, I can get this accounting perquisites out the way this summer but I am thinking about taking it in the fall. I feel like I need a break and my fall is super busy… Three classes…. In grad life that hard, in my fulltime and part-time working  life that’s insane!!!! I just need to get it together. I am just in a weird place; where I want to change jobs, where I want to do adult things like buy a house, and where I just want to not struggle internally anymore. I feel like I just want to either quiet this fire in myself or release it and not be afraid of it. I feel like I have so much built up in me that I just want to release it. A former coworker once said to me you should write a book. I often go back and cringe at my response to this notion… “Who would read my story”…. I always do this, self-doubt. It’s one of the things I struggle with along with procrastination. But maybe I will write a book or books about my life and views as an art administrator (in training) of color. I need to proclaim my right to be heard and recognize my own power to inspire change and hope!  One of my guilty pleasure movies that give me a “pick me up” and courage to push through things as well as motivation,  is Legally Blonde… I know, shocking. This movie is ridiculously awesome and hilarious… Yet it inspires me to be and do better.The fact that she has the confidence to say ” I don’t need a back up, I’m going to Harvard ” makes me want to have that confidence and assurance that, yes I am the shit!!! And will accomplish what I want. I love this movie for its feministic views and the promotion of staying true to yourself. However, this film is “interesting”  in the continuing conversation of black feminism and people of color in higher education… But that is another discussion and post. Although I love this movie, I still have issues with it. But like the world everything has its flaws. Just venting and perhaps procrastinating… 🙂

 
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Posted by on May 9, 2014 in Black Females, Grad School, Writing

 

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