How to start over as an adult? I have always heard stories about adults changing careers because they hated it and wanted more out of life… How does one do it? No one really explains theses things, you’re just supposed to figure it out. Sometimes,I have these fantasies of another life. A life filled with satisfactions Satisfaction… what does that mean? In a world of constant consumer, how does one ever fill satisfied. I have battled this feeling of un-satisfaction for a very long time and become accustomed to feeling this way. However, I don’t want to be this way… I never wanted to be this way!
I went to college to escape the fear of the unknown… to have a sense of security… to evolve into a better person. I feel that college ruined my self-confidence, I used to be fearless in every ounce of the word. Until life happened where you have to make a choice… I felt that I learn how to blend in college rather than really utilized my time… I felt like the beginning of a dual personality. I still feel that way… constantly battling myself. I have accepted my traits of doing multiple things and wanting to learn/explore everything. But I battle with this dual or split feelings, a battle of two philosophies. I am this rebellious, creative, artistic carefree, spiritual person; but then I am this stern, structured, organized focused, scientific person. You grow up with the notions of being either or… artist or scientist, left or right, wrong or right, bad or good, black or white; these dualities plaque our lives… forces you to choose these boxes. What if there were no boxes?
Every person comes to that fork in the road where their life could have been completely different. My fork was at 18… such a young age to make a decision that determines my current life path. What kills me is the thoughts… did I make the right decision? Would I have been happier? Would I have been satisfied? Questions that drive people crazy, questions that have no answers. It sucks!! It completely suck!
Why do I bring this up? Because I am tired of this dull lack luster life. I am tired on this feeling. This could be fear or depression or anxiety or another box just talking… but I am tired of not feeling satisfied. I tired of choosing one or the other. I just want to be happy… or just not feel this sense of dread or heaviness. What is that feeling, where you just want to get up and go?
My goals have not changed, even though this post seems a bit bleak. I still want to work as a curator and I still want to work with the community. I just want to figure out how to be in the moment now. I need change… a life change. Something to get my ass into motion… something to look forward too. Does anybody have feelings like this?